I’m single. I don’t tell you that so that you will ask me on a date or send offers of marriage (although those would be fun outcomes of this post). I’m sharing because being single forces you to seriously consider what you want in a potential date/mate/soulmate/partner/fwb. There are approximately 3.5 billion men in the world (1.01 men for every 1 woman) and if approximately 10% of them are gay, that still leaves me with 350 million choices.
So….how to decide? What’s important?
[Side note: I really like being single. I’m not entirely certain that I will be in another relationship in this lifetime. AND that is perfectly OK. I’ve gotten to the point that I’d like to have friends and companions that accompany me on my journey but I’ve released the obsessive NEED to be coupled. It is really freeing to not be on a desperate search. Despite what the social norm is, one can be single and be happy, productive and enjoy life]
…..but back to my 350 million dates. When I was a young man, I longed to find a masculine guy that had a rough exterior. Someone that didn’t have the need to talk, was a strong presence, a tower of strength. As a person ruled by my inner emotional life and with more-than-average access to my feelings, I was looking for relief, in someone not like me. This super-man, I reasoned, would somehow love me and I would know it and be OK with the silence.
I found this man….well, maybe men, men without access to their feelings, men without rudimentary communication abilities. These relationships followed a very repeatable process. They would start off like a wall of fire, consuming everything and everyone. The fire-wall was high and wide and deep. It brought me alive from a thousand year phoenix slumber. Like most wildfires, it was also short-lived.
In an all consuming fire, there is a need for fuel. Fire lives on what it consumes and needs a constant pipeline. And so the fires died, leaving me empty, confused and looking for another.
Tony Soprano is the quintessential strong, silent guy. A man so desperate to speak and so required to remain silent that therapy is the only place that allows a glimpse into his soul.
Among the 350 million, there might be one that has an inner relationship, a passport to the complexity of his own head, a window to the interior. The ability to invite me into a world that I haven’t experienced, simply because it’s his world, his perspective, his definition of beauty.
Regardless, I’ll keep exploring my world with openness and joy.
349, 999, 999 to go.