Giving Up

Our society values sticking to a decision, staying the course, not quitting, being headstrong.

There are, however, times when giving up and giving in are appropriate and beneficial.

As I go through the recovery process, I realize that there are things that I will never achieve. I will never be President of the United States, for example. As I reach the end of my 40s, I realize there are probably more days behind me than there are days ahead, or best case it’s 50/50.

The older I get the more comfortable I am with my life the way it is. Radical acceptance has become a way of life.

Here is a sampling of my “probably nevers.”

  • Get married. While I’m open to the idea and welcome love into my life, I probably won’t have a big church wedding with lots of people….no white dresses for me.
  • Have a chiseled body like in the featured photo.  I want to be healthy and be able to have my physical support what I want to do: hang glide, kyak, travel, run after my nephews, bike around the city. I dont think I can put myself through the craziness that my eating disorder would create to try and create the perfect body. I respect those that have. I will even lift weights but more because I enjoy it than for some crazy unattainable goal.
  • Be the CEO of a corporation. I’m not sure if this was really ever my goal but at my age the likelihood goes down all the time.
  • Be a millionaire. I have another 20 or so years in the workforce before I retire. So I have some time to ensure that I have a comfortable retirement but it’s unlikely that I will be a millionaire unless I win the lottery.
  • Be famous. This was also never really on my radar but fame is for the young and energetic. I’ll never create a famous song, I’ll never be a famous actor.

I’m not sad about ANY of these. It’s a nice change to think of myself changing the world in small ways: by working on my writing, by supporting homeless LGBT youth, by giving to charity where I can.

I want to create a loving group of family and friends, let that be my legacy.

While it might not be as exciting or glamourous, it’s right where I belong.

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