Step Down

[YouTube video about word association with people with eating disorders.]

Today, I’m progressing in recovery.

It’s a bit scary.

I have bouts of anxiety.

I’m leaving residential and going to the transitional program. That means that I will be living in an apartment and walking to treatment every day. It means that I will have breakfast and my night snack on my own.

Am I ready? I think so.

I don’t think it is possible to be completely sure. I have to try it and see what happens.

I worry about the night snack. Last time I was here it got bigger over time and I didn’t talk about it. I want to be aware of how I manage it now that I’m leaving.

I worry about all the time to myself. There are safeguards in place, I still have to be here 930am-730pm but that leaves a lot of time with just me and my feelings. I don’t think I’ll have a roommate which may have made it a little easier. As much as I sometimes struggle with being in community here in residential, I also feel safe and protected. It’s a group of people like me, that understand most of what I am going through.

Out in the world, most people don’t get eating disorders. Now I have to deal with those people.

I’m also worried about being too perfect. I’m a rule follower, until I am the one making the rules. I want to carefully protect what I’ve built here so it will last. I want to respect myself enough to follow the rules I set for myself.

I have a certain level of confidence that I will be OK. I will make good choices and when I don’t, I have this place to talk about them and change the behavior.

It can take a YEAR before physical hunger and fullness cues get back into some kind of normality. That’s a year of following the meal plan, making choices, getting it right. During that time, I’ll be trying to recondition my body to support more physical movement so I can do the things I love. A year of change is ahead.

As always, all I have is this moment, this minute, this hour, this day. I have a set of choices to make that can lead one way or the other.

There’s no day but TODAY.




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