What is enough?
Enough is a state of being, a knowing. Not easy to achieve, it is a state of grace. It’s not received, it’s not a destination. Enough is when my concept of myself and my environment match, when my expectations and the events in my life are in synch.
I wish I could say that I feel enough. I understand what it is, my head can describe it, I have a sense of what it is like. I feel like a blind man, however, trying to describe color. I know what I’ve heard, I know what it is in my mind but I lack the experience to make it vividly alive.
When I sit in meditation, I feel closer to the source of “enough-ness.” My cares drop away and for moments, I can just be and experience my self, the unchanging inner part of my soul.
Funny enough, I’m sitting here wondering why I am not enough to write this. Why don’t I have better ideas? Brilliant insight? Why can’t I create a masterpiece of enough-ness?
In that lies the trick. I can’t force myself to be enough. Enough is not about accomplishment or beauty or perfection or weight loss or attraction or any of the many things that we convince ourselves give us value and worth. In some ways, the pursuit of those things enables us to believe that being enough is right around the next corner: the next house, the next car, the next boyfriend. I have my eyes on the door, waiting for the thing that will make me enough to walk through it…when it sits here with me all the time.
My beliefs hold me back. The belief that I’m nor enough at this weight, that I’ll be enough at another weight, are all illusory. My belief that some “one” will love me and make me enough. That my father will stay with our family when I’m enough. That I can pursue my dreams when I’m enough. That I’ll be safe when the money is enough.
These black hole beliefs suck in all in their path, obliterating the chance to see the truth of enough-ness in this moment.
This quiet little moment right here.
The compelling thing about food is that it fills up that hole and makes me feel full and whole, but it is only a temporary solution and creates another chase of enough-ness all its own.
So for today, I’m going to try to let go of the chase, the desperate search for some thing or someone to complete me.
I don’t have to be funny, although I might be.
I don’t have to be a different weight, although my weight might change.
I don’t have to be whole and complete, although I might be.
I just have to BE.