Me: When I am choosing what to eat, I look for things I like.
Eating Disorder: I decide based on the weight of the food.
Me: I try and listen to what my body wants and needs. I am aware that rules about food are destructive and can lead me back to bingeing.
ED: You really shouldn’t eat sugar….or flour….or potatoes. No carbs, low carbs, be vegetarian, no, vegan! The perfect diet is out there, you just have to find it!!!!!
Me: I eat slowly, mindful of what is in front of me. I’m aware of what is appealing about it, how it smells, how it looks, how it tastes. I’m able to pause and test my fullness. I can leave food on the plate or save leftovers or throw food away. There is always more.
ED: Faster! Faster!!!! Eating slowly is excruciating! Clean your plate or no dessert! There isn’t enough food, there will never be enough! Leftovers are gross! The quicker we eat the sooner we’re done!
Me: Food is what fuels my body and my activity in life. It’s not love or affection or a friend or penance or a band-aid or caring or a lover or celebration or defeat or sorrow. Food is food. Pretty simple concept. You try to make it mean more.
ED: Food is the answer! It’s a cure-all! It can take away pain, physical and emotional! It is a numbing agent. It will get you through tough times…
Me: …and create some of its own.
ED: Whatever, bitter…
Me: I’m not bitter, just facing reality.
ED: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.