This week I told a friend I was going to visit them in a nearby city.
I made the promise when I thought I really could do it. I had every intention of fulfilling that promise.
But as the week wore on, I realized that doing a lot of traveling wouldn’t really support my recovery. This is my first week back to work and only the third week back from treatment…and hotels and I have a checkered past. Minibars, room service, etc. are like crack to me in some ways. I know I need to push myself to do and do it in a healthy way. I just wasn’t there yet.
As much as I was aware of this I struggled to communicate this well to my friend. I knew that he would be disappointed and I didn’t want to face that.
This is EXACTLY the kind of stuff that sent me to treatment in the first place. Running away from uncomfortable conversation and then stewing in how bad I feel about doing that. Then it would move toward obsessing about it.
It is so simple to just address an issue, face the music and then move on. It’s just not my default setting.
As I get back to real life, I’m working on making honest and open communication one of my goals. I need to be able to clear state what I need, what I want and be comfortable with being uncomfortable while I do it.
Somewhere along the line, I learned it was OK to not honor those things for myself.
When I realized what had happened, I called my friend to apologize. He was very understanding, probably more understanding than I would have been. I told him I wanted to make amends and we talked about another trip at another time.
The relief was palpable.
One other lesson I learned is that texting can sometimes be an escape for me. Talking directly for important conversations is the only way to go…just for me.
It’s another day, another time to practice.