Nightmare

So, it finally happened….

I’ve been out of treatment for about 3 weeks and I had my first episode of bingeing.

It started with a session I had with my therapist. We were talking about the previous weekend where I had done a poor job of communicating to a friend that I wasn’t going to be able to visit him. I had promised to go visit him but figured out that traveling is too triggering for me right now. I’ll need to practice it at some point but not now.

My therapist made a suggestion about using drugs to regulate my mood which I’ve already said I don’t want to do….and don’t need to do.

In professional relationships, I do this thing where my opinion shrinks and their opinion becomes central. It’s a habit I’m battling.

I got really upset because my therapist was saying that the periods of me not communicating well are “black outs.”

That’s not what happens at all, I am uncomfortable with a decision I have to make so I wait until the last minute to make it. I avoid. I procrastinate. I don’t black out.

But because her opinion is so large in my head, I left that session very stirred up. I couldn’t get it out of my mind.

When situations become overwhelming like that, food is the solution I have always used.

I thought about sending a message to her.

I thought about calling someone.

Instead, I decided to hurt myself for a couple of days. Like bingeing at her would help me get the message across. Like the only way to deal with being overwhelmed is to take action.

Looking back at it, I’m glad it happened in some ways. It was a test of my new skills. I don’t see it as a complete failure. I figured it out. I reached out for help on Sunday morning. I know what I have to do next.

This time of my life is unlearning that hurting myself is not the answer to life’s issues.

I know the solutions.

I know the skills.

I managed to bring it back this time and I will again.

And there will come a time when this no longer has the same power over me.

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