Rejectable

I hold a belief that I am rejectable.

When I was 12, my parents got divorced. It was a good thing for both of them long term. It was very painful for me because I felt abandoned by my father with whom I was very close. It felt like an emotional blow.

Some people might have reacted to that situation by creating a different connection with their mother. Some might have sought refuge in their friends or other family members. Both of those reactions would have been relatively healthy. It would have been a way to externalize the experience and manage though a difficult situation.

That wasn’t what I did.

Inside my head, I internalized the experience, I made it about me. I believed/believe that there was/is something wrong with me. I believe that I could somehow have changed the situation, despite the fact that I logically know that to be untrue. If I had been a better son, more lovable, more..something.  I wasn’t good enough for my father to stick around,

As a result, in my adult life, I have worked very hard to be the best I can be, trying to prove again and again that I am lovable, despite the fact that I don’t believe that internally.

This approach causes several issues in relationships. I never allow anyone to take care of me in almost any situation. I am fiercely independent, to the point that I won’t allow anyone to help me. I don’t share my needs because I believe that my needs are not important or should only be dealt with by me. I try to prove over and over that I’m worth it.

As I have gotten older and become more successful, money has been a way that I have tried to gain the love and acceptance I crave. I have bought gifts and vacations and in one case, a condo. Subconsciously, I figure that I can buy acceptance. If I just spend enough, someone will see beyond what I think is my natural state…broken.

This is one of those posts that doesn’t have a happy ending.

I still struggle with this belief. I’m single because my last relationship imploded so badly, based on some of this, that I’m not sure what my relationship future holds.

I’d like to change the belief buried deep within me but it has been buried for decades.

I know it’s there, I acknowledge it.

That’s about all I can do today.

 

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